Judas Asparagus

I got this forwarded to me and I thought it was really cute!

A
child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
  This is amazing and
brought tears of laughter to my eyes.   
I wonder how often we
take for granted that children
understand what we are teaching???

 Through the eyes
of a child:

 The Children’s
Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning,
which occurred near the start, there was
nothing
but God, darkness, and some gas.
 The
Bible says,
‘The Lord thy God is one, but I
think He must be a lot older than that.
  Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.    Then God made the world.

 He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t
been
invented yet.   Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
  Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have
cars.
  Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who
hated his brother as long
as he
was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the
early people died
off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.
  One of the next important people
was Noah, who was a good guy,
but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham.
 Noah
built a
large boat and put his family and
some animals on it. He asked
some
other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.

After Noah came
Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
 Jacob
was more
famous than his brother, Esau,
because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark
in exchange for some pot roast.
 Jacob
had a son
named Joseph who wore a really
loud sports coat.

Another important
Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton
Heston.
 Moses led the Israel Lights
out of
  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.   God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then
he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
  These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.   Oh, yeah, I just thought of one
more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best
helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible
guy to use spies.
 Joshua fought the battle of
Geritol and
the fence fell over on the town.
  After Joshua came David.  He
got to be king by killing a
giant
with a slingshot.
 He had a son named Solomon
who had
about 300 wives and 500
porcupines.
 My teacher says he was
wise,
but that doesn’t sound very wise
to me.

After Solomon there
were a bunch of major league prophets.
 One
of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about
them.

After the Old
Testament came the New Testament.
 Jesus
is the
star of The New.  He was born  in   Bethlehem in a barn. (I
wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me,
‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would
be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus
had many arguments with sinners like
the
Pharisees and the Democrats.
  Jesus also had twelve opossums.
  The worst one was Judas Asparagus.   Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.   But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before
Pontius the Pilot.
 Pilot didn’t stick up for
Jesus.
 He just washed his hands
instead.

Anyways, Jesus died
for our sins, then came back to life again.
  He went up to Heaven but will be
back at the end of the

Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of
Revolution.

About Andrea

I am from Whitby, Ontario. I have lived in Romania for 9 years as a missionary but I am currently in Canada on a sabbatical break at this time. I have also lived in South Korea for a year and I have also been to Russia, Uganda, Albania and the Czech Republic on short-term mission trips. In 2012, God also gave me an amazing opportunity to go to Mozambique for the Harvest Mission School with Iris Ministries as well. I love children, reaching out to people who are in need and vulnerable, I have a passion to fight against the injustice issue of human trafficking and to simply share the love of Jesus wherever I go. I also love cats too and I have a cat of my own named Minnie!
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